Random Fun

My students can be a little corky sometimes. I’m not quite positive if it’s from the gap in the language or whether they just watch too much American TV.

First, let me tell you about “Fred.” This guy is funny as hell. He is an older smelly businessman that has no family or kids. His life involves going to working, eating, and watching Hollywood movies. But even spending over 3 hours a day watching videos in English he has very low communication skills. Another interesting fact about this fellow is that he has the most warped vocabulary you can imagine. Let me explain, he doesn’t understand simple words, or the words that we have on our 6th grade spelling tests but he understands some upper-level words and expressions that I find hilarious. For example he and I were talking about our biggest fears in life, and I said something easy like “death” or “getting lost on the train.” And he said that his biggest fear was, and I’m not joking and I’m not sure where he learned it, FEMINISTS! I couldn't help myself I wanted to laugh so hard, I even felt my pipes below starting to burst. Just picture this, it took me 5 minutes to explain what getting lost on the train meant but he comes back with feminists. What is up with that? I just sat there biting my lip trying not to laugh in his face. Another time he was telling me about something funny that happened at work, and then I asked him “how did you respond when you say that monkey in your lab throw poop at your coworker?” He said “what do you think, of course, I giggled like a little school girl.” What is this nonsense? He can’t even spell coffee correctly but he knows the expression “to giggle like a school girl.” Wow, sometimes I love this job.

Another fellow, “Bob,” (actually he is in the small class as Fred) and I were talking about him moving to America. I asked his what his biggest fear of moving to America was and he responded with “drunk-white-men.” (I didn’t know we were so intimidating to the Japanese.) I find it interesting that he didn’t say speaking English or finding food or driving on 10 lane highways or even homesickness. The fact that he said ‘drunk-white-men’ makes me wonder what has happened in his past to warrant such feelings.

A month before New Years I made and handed out a student survey and assessment form so that my students could express any opinions or concerns that they might have. I asked my older students what their occupation was and 90 percent of them put company staff, company employee, or office worker. Is that strange? If I asked someone in America the same question I think I would get a more detailed answer; like an electrical engineer, accountant, or an actual occupation not just some vague title. Another question I asked was “what are some of your future goals or ambitions?” and one student wrote, “I don't understand my future.” I’m sure he meant to say that he doesn’t know what his future holds or something to that effect. But, when I read this I giggle like a little schoolgirl. Another student wrote “To speak English without thinking I am Japanese.” I’m not exactly sure what that means but I think he or she really wants to speak fluently.

And my last incident will be about what a student chose for his item in the game ’20 Questions’. I’m not sure if you’re familiar with this game, basically one person chooses something; it can be anything that one can imagine, and the rest of the group has 20 questions to find out what this item is. Well this student, let’s call him “Retard,” chose a Toyota engine. Let me tell you about Retard really quickly. He requested to be placed in our highest class, which is basically fluent, and he can’t form a sentence without it being totally fucked up. Can you tell that this guy annoys me? Good thing he can’t read this. Well anyways, it was his turn and he chose a Toyota engine. I asked him if it was living and he said yes. Another student asked if we can eat it, Retard said yes. It continued on like this all the way until the last question. I told him that we give up and he needs to tell us the answer, and you wouldn’t believe how upset the other students got, I swear if I weren’t there they would have lynched him. You don't fuck with older Japanese businessmen or they will come after you. Basically, we were all played for fools. Retard needs to move to another class.

When you want to get a mental picture of Retard in your head just imagine him as one of these nice young men.